So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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