I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Four minutes until I can fart!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
