whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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