I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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