i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize