cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
