I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
