Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
