We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
