just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
