I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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