So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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