i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
