You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
