Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i dont even know how to be here
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
