i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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