I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My pussy is not your playground.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
