I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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