Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
