Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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