Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
