This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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