Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
