I hope mine doesn't look like that
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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