Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
