i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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