I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize