Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
