that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
