What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize