I checked into jail on foursquare
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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