that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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