I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
