good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
