Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
