i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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