Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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