is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Everclear isn't food dammit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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