probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I AM VODKA MAN
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
