you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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