Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
