found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize