Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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