It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
