awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
