She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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