He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
