Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
