Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
