i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
