oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
