Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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