Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
