her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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