remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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