dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
