the day after is always just damage control
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
