Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
