you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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