I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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