My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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