I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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