we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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