Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
