dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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