surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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