i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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