Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Bring me that man meat
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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