Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
