mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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