True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
