So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
